A message from an animal control officer
Date: 2011-11-09 Posted on Buzzfeed.com
Hello kids. I’m your friendly neighborhood Animal Control Officer, and I’d like to officially tell you all to (content deleted). Before I ride off into the sunset however – here are some parting words…
1) To all the (deleted) who ask me if I don’t have something better to do than giving them a ticket for no license/dog off leash/being a (deleted). The answer is no. No, I have nothing better than to take my precious time and taxpayer dollars to write to a COMPLETELY LAME ticket for not doing what was your responsibility to do in the first place. I love nothing more than babysitting grown adults who seem incapable of wiping their own butt without law enforcement present. Thanks, (deleted).
2) To all the (deleted) who as me why I’m not rounding up all the killer pitbulls. Where…WHERE? Where are all the killer pitbulls that are roaming the streets and attacking your women and children. My god, the city should just issue you all SHOTGUNS to fend off these land sharks. In other words, THERE IS NO VICIOUS PITBULL EPIDEMIC. Let’s all hold hands and say it together folks, the only epidemic is misinformation, ignorance and animal neglect. Thanks, please drive through to the second window and receive (deleted).
3) To all the (deleted) who refuse to spay/neuter, or who think they’re “breeders” because they put fido and fifi together and produced a litter of mongrels who will all likely end up in a barrel behind the shelter by the time they reach sexual maturity: (Deleted) I wish to god that there was a mandatory spay/neuter law and that the penalty for breaking it was to be forced to spend a day working in the euthanasia room. Seriously, It’s simple (deleted) math, people. Every dog or cat you carelessly add into this world takes away a home from a dog or cat who are already here. So breeding means killing…so have a good day executioners! I hope the 50 bucks you made off that puppy sure feels good.
4) There is no (deleted) thing as “No Kill”. I hate to burst your collective bubble, but when you call and ask if our shelter is “no kill”, don’t treat me like a kitten murderer when I tell you NO. There are simply not enough resources or homes available to find every pet a home and that is NOT MY FAULT. Quite simply, there is no “dog whisperer” in the world who can save your eight year old Rottweiler that spent his entire life chained to a tree in your backyard. Sorry, buster this one’s on you. And the places that claim to be “No Kill”? They simply send the unplaceable pets across the street to Animal Control who do the killing for them. WAKE UP. Until mandatory spay/neuter becomes law, killing is going to happen.
5) You know what’s fun? Being told that I must “really hate dogs” because I am an Animal Control Officer. Yessir, I put up with (deleted) like you, the abysmally low pay, and this fabulously flattering uniform just so I can take all my bitterness out on your dog. That’s also why I foster animals, paying for their care out of my own pocket and using up my precious little free time to do it. Yeah, that’s it. Now how’s about you (deleted) and put a leash on your dog you (deleted), so I don’t have to peel him off the street later.
6) LEASHES PEOPLE. They’re not just for the “bad dogs”. Quite frankly, dogs are carnivores – predators, if you will. When they see something furry and running fast, like a squirrel or a cat – they tend to chase after it. Next thing you know, I’m, scooping up Scooby with a plastic bag…not fun. Or, how about the person who does not in fact, like dogs and has been accosted by your poochie when they walk down the street? Or, what about the dog aggressive dog being walked safely and in control on a leash until your unleashed dog comes up and just wants to say “hi”? Dog fights are pretty ugly, and NO ONE seems to anticipate them until it’s too late. So don’t piss and moan when I give you a verbal warning for having your dog off leash…because that leads me to:
7) Your mouth will write you a ticket. Oh yeah, no kidding. I hate writing tickets. They’re a pain in the butt. I have to deal with your melt down, then I have to go back to the office and write a report about it. Next, I have to show up in court because you want to contest the ticket, even though 60% of the time YOU NEVER SHOW UP YOU (DELETED). So, the deal is this – if you’re nice and not eggregiously breaking the law, I’m probably just going to warn you and then go about my day. As soon as you break out the lip however, I’m breaking out the ticket book. Press hard, there’s four copies.
In conclusion. I quit! Actually, you (deleted) broke me a while back and it’s been months of therapy before I could write this missive. I still shudder when I see a pair of testicles on a dog though, so watch out!
——————————————————————————————————-
Ugly Mutts is totally behind having mandatory spay/neuter laws put into place and perhaps someone can take it to the committee that is adjusting the current bylaw on Responsible Pet Ownership here in Hamilton. It was also great to have him/her talk about the Pitbull myth and to see this person address the “no kill” aspect of the SPCA.
So people, keep your dogs on a leash at all times when off your property and please, spay and neuter your pets!!
